The Colony (2013) Movie Review

The Colony (2013) Movie Review

From IMDB:
Forced underground by the next ice age, a struggling outpost of survivors must fight to preserve humanity against a threat even more savage than nature.

There will be spoilers.

It’s October and I live in the Northern US, what does that mean? Snow on Halloween. What better way to combine the cold with scary by watching a horror movie set in a frozen world? Apparently, a lot of things.

I didn’t know too much about this movie. It was marketed as zombies in Antarctica but it’s more than that. The ‘savage’ force mentioned in the blurb is a group of people turned feral. I wish I could tell you how but I got about 2/3 of the way through before I turned it off. The kids are asleep, it’s daddy time and I’m not wasting it by watching a crap movie.

It starts off with a scene of people running through a bunker trying to get away from something. The scene actually works, for a moment you aren’t sure if it’s going to turn out to lead to a back drop of ‘2 Days Ago’ or something else. Major downer, it’s something else. In THE FUTURE humanity ran out of fuel sources and started engineering the weather which is totally connected but uh-oh it backfires and as the narrator so eloquently puts it “one day it started snowing”.

We join our main character as he’s out in the snow fixing… something, when Bill Paxton pushes out some poor shmoo  outside at the end of a gun. There is just enough back and forth to see that Mr Paxton will be playing the role of ‘unhinged dude’ that has to show up in every survival movie ever. I tried not to groan when instead of just stopping the guy they decide to talk about it with Lawrence Fishburne.

And this is where the movie failed me. Mr Fishburne sees that his old buddy is going crazy and puts someone else in charge when they head off. Somewhere between the two scenes we hear that another colony sent an SOS then went dark. Following Star Trek logic the leader has to go out to see what’s up.

Guess what? That opening scene, yeah, it was this colony. Kevin Zegers (our hero), Lawrence Fishburne, and some kid go off to explore. Hm, Star Trek logic someone isn’t coming back. The logic behind our hero going makes sense, they might need a hand for mechanical stuff. The redshirt even makes sense, he isn’t vital to the colony and he was taught how to use a gun. But why the leader too? You’ve got some obvious trust issues with a guy who executes sick people, I think you’re needed at home more than just heading off in the middle of a crisis.

They get to the other colony and find a lone survivor who has locked himself in a room. He tells them they received a transmission somewhere there is sun and soil. When they sent a team out something found them and followed them back to the colony. The ‘something’ in question being feral cannibal people. Side note, I’ve spelled cannibal differently each time I type it. There isn’t much time to dwell on things as the not-zombies attack. The redshirt dies but our two heroes make it out. They blow up the tower leading to the surface and head home.

They have to camp out to keep from freezing to death and in the morning it turns out that the not-zombies are following them… despite having blown up the way to the surface. Okay, I’ll let that slide. Logically, there had to be more than one entrance.

Morpheus sacrifices himself to destroy a bridge and halt the oncoming horde and Is-that-Jared-Leto makes it back in time to see Paxton go full on crazy time. There is a moment here, where the person left in charge has Mr Crazypants at gunpoint and could easily end his decent into madness. What happens? Our hero stumbles into view and collapses. The interim-leader played by Charlotte Sullivan rushes over to see what’s wrong and gets a thump on the head for her troubles.

This is where I stopped watching. I had seen it all before and the fact that it was in snow wasn’t going to save it. I’m really tired of the crazy guy in these types of movies. The hint that someone recognized what was happening was just enough of a slap in the face for me to really hate the return to the same old trope. I don’t know how it ended. I paid $1.20 to rent it and I feel like I’ve been ripped off.

Verdict: Skip it.

It’s that time of the year for scary movies. Any suggestions or requests for horror movie reviews?


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